cocaine, dopamine, and other drugs

Yesterday I found myself on a park bench watching the ducks and geese and chimney swifts while the sun set in the hazy sky. I was just sittin’ and thinkin’ about how crazy it is that life is just a series of getting addicted to one thing after another, and then inevitably withdrawing from each one.

Just hear me out.

Sure there are the obvious (and often harmful) addictions, but discovering a new song that you play on repeat? Creating a good habit that makes you feel good? Creating a bad habit that makes you feel good? Making fun purchases? Talking to someone you like or love? Hanging out with friends? Good foods? Good shows?? Good books???

They all give you that hit of dopamine or serotonin or oxytocin (or all of the above) that we all want need so badly.

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barbie girl

Movie theaters really aren’t my thing™.

It may have something to do with the fact that I had a panic attack in one when I was 8…and then again when I was 10…and again somewhere in my teen years. Not to mention the fact that someone is always choking on popcorn half-way through the movie (come on, people).

I mean, sure, I’ve had some really fun experiences at the movie theater too, but some memories just stick out more than others, ya know?

So movie theaters really aren’t my thing™.

Drive-ins on the other hand? Love ’em.

click on the photos to enlarge them

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happiness

This week I’ve been focusing on the simple task of being happy.

And by simple, you know I mean arduous.

Okay listen, I haven’t lost it completely…the foundation that I so carefully constructed during the last 6 months is still there…underneath some rubble. A serious lack of blue skies, a desk that is sticky from the constant humidity, and some unexpected happenings that have happened have caused a few recent earthquakes. Or maybe some natural, beneficial forest fires.

(it’s yet to be determined)

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polaroids on the pond

Although I didn’t go kayaking for the first time until I was probably a tween, it feels like there was never a time before it.

The first time I ever went was on a river with my grampa, and I brushed against the reeds and grasses so many times that I ended up with a boat full of lanky river spiders. They were crawling all up my arms and legs, and, as you can imagine, that absolutely scarred me. So although I did not give up kayaking, to this day I still prefer to stick to kayaking on open ponds.

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the color yellow

When I was 10 or 11 years old I bought a beautiful tie-dyed sundress from a little hippie shop down the road.

I don’t remember what I spent on it, but I do remember that it was quite a bit for that time in my life — probably my whole allowance. But I loved that dress. It was bright and cheerful, soft and flowy, and the yellows in it were like sunshine.

I also vividly remember the man who sold it told me that I was lucky, because a lot of people can’t wear the color yellow.

click on the photos to enlarge them

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the ocean

Before 2021 the ocean seemed very far away to me.

Although it’s only just over an hour’s drive from home, my family and I rarely made our way down to it. The days and nights spent by the crashing waves of Charlestown beach were mostly during our one week of summer camping every year. We would spend all day in our hot campsite at Burlingame, just counting down the minutes until it was time to gather our towels and put on our swimsuits.

It was a salty, sandy, windswept occasion, and oh, how we’d soak up those evenings. Driving back to the campground in our damp suits, and rinsing off in the steaming-hot, coin-fed shower stall before we went to sit around a campfire…it’s a warm fuzzy memory that will forever be sitting comfortably in the back of my mind.

2004, click on the photos to enlarge them

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bones

Recently I accidently got super into animal skulls.

Let me explain.

Last year my 20-year-old cat (Oscar) died. It was from an illness or infection related to old age, and she died 3 minutes before midnight while me, my younger sister, and my mom sat around a bonfire with her (that in itself was a strange story for another day).

As many of you know, my family and I live out in the country, so we naturally have a lot of wild predatory animals around us. And when one of our pets dies, we simply put their bodies out in the field to continue the cycle of life. C’est la vie.

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social media + me

A lot of people ask me how I have the willpower to leave social media, but I often don’t know what to tell them…because once I hit the point of wanting to leave, it’s usually not very hard for me to do so. I mean, sure, there are some days where I miss the bliss of easily wasting time by scrolling into the deep dark heart of Instagram, but more noticeable is the immediate change that happens to me as soon as I get off. Usually within 24 hours I’m happier, calmer, more inspired, more motivated, and more creative.

Let’s face it, we’ve probably all wanted to walk away from social media at one point or another, even if it was just for a day, a week, a month…just to get some space, some freedom, or to experience life for life, instead of experiencing life for the ‘gram. That constant pressure of getting the perfect picture to show the world (or, uh, your ex) that you’re having an amazing time!?

It gets heavy.

click on the photos to enlarge them

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pet portraits

Ahhh, pet portrait work. A real love/hate relationship for me, as some of you know.

Let me just say: as much as I love being able to share my artwork, there is a constant underlying stress when it comes to custom work like this. Especially when it’s dealing with peoples’ pets. Sometimes I think people may love their pets more than they love their own children (I mean, I can’t blame them…for 7 years my best friend was a guinea pig).

click on the photos to enlarge them

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🍭🍬🧁

The only reasons that this photo series exists are:

1. I wanted more practice editing photos

2. I was feeling way too good about myself the other day and simply had to document it

click on the photos to enlarge them

Although those are the only two reasons, I think they’re pretty good reasons.

A lot of times when it comes to photo editing I feel a bit of imposter syndrome try to edge in; after all, I’m definitely no professional. But I’m trying to work through that and just continue to figure out what I’m doing as I go. And since my stomach issues (which I touched on briefly in this post) have been getting me down a bit lately, every day that I feel amazing is a day to celebrate. It’s slow and steady progress over here.

My mental health has been kept aloft by a short list of songs that I’ve been listening to on repeat, and it’s pretty successfully brainwashed me into thinking that I am the absolute shit.

Curious? You shouldn’t be.

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