Sharing good news scares me.
Well, not only “good news,” but like…things that I’m excited about it.
Doesn’t it always seem like as soon as you do, the things that you were just gushing over start to fall apart…? Or is that just me??
Like recently when I sent out Christmas cards and hard-launched my love for a sweet giant rabbit, only to have to hand her over to a foster home after Christmas…?
braving the 15-degree morning to enjoy the world covered in ice
For much of last week I was down sick, but honestly, I wasn’t even upset about it.
Morally I couldn’t take any more time off of work on my own (since I’d just gotten back to work after my little Christmas vacation), but being passed out with a beautiful sweaty fever for a few days forced me to take some real rest time. Which I really needed. Mentally and physically, I just hadn’t been spending enough quiet time with myself, and I had really been starting to miss it. If I’m being honest, I feel like I’ve been in go-mode since October, and although a lot of positive things have happened since then, I just haven’t had the time to simply allow myself to calm down. Or even process everything that’s happened.
So cue the 12-hours of sleep every night, lazy days, and wasting time while rotting — unshowered — on the couch with a weird feverish rash all over my body (Mom said it was nothing to worry about).
I’ve been trying to write a post for days, but the backspace is the key getting the most use right now.
I have a million thoughts rattling around in my head, but once I see them in writing they just seem silly, and repetitive, and even my low-serotonin brain knows that it’s all kinda ridiculous and possibly over-dramatic.
Recently I got incredibly bored with myself. You know when Bruce Springsteen said:
I check my look in the mirror / wanna change my clothes, my hair, my face
That’s been the mood. So I started scrolling Pinterest and pinning all the braids and simple updos, and why did it take me so long to start learning this stuff?
Crisis averted. I did not have to cut my hair, or mistakenly bring back the bangs, I simply needed to learn to show off what I have.
She’s cute, she’s classy, and she stays put all day long 🤍
rainy weekend / a good book / vanilla peppermint tea / sweatpants / gloomy skies / the smell of wet leaves / lentil soup / wood smoke / neutral colors / a perfectly moody playlist / lazy self portraits
I finished flipping this thrifted dress a few weeks back, but then life got so crazy that I simply did not have the energy to get the photos I wanted of the finished project. Although I did succeed in finally getting out to the garden with my camera last week, life is still crazy, and I definitely haven’t been feeling like my best self lately. Last night I was laying in bed watching a show and I just thought: oh my god, I am not who I want to be at all right now. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. At the end of most of the recent days I’ve felt like I’ve done nothing but wait for bedtime, just to simply have to start over again the next day. The audacity! It’s exhausting and a little lonely.
I kinda feel like getting a haircut, overhauling my wardrobe, downloading all the dating apps again, and changing my entire personality, but I just don’t know if any of those things are the right thing to do when I’m in the midst of feeling so unsettled (we’ll see, maybe I’ll just do all of the above).
Anyways, right now I’m gonna sit back and give this little blue dress her much-deserved moment 💙 I think this might’ve been the sundress Caamp was talking about when he sang:
I found out yesterday / that I’m in love / and I don’t know what else to say / but thank you, Lord / for that sundress on that Saturday / walkin barefoot down the beach
the garden is doing splendidly, by the way
Would it be considered a major character flaw that I often end up feeling like shit when I hang out with people my age, but hanging out with my 14-year-old cousin was the highlight of last week??
I remember when she was born, and I remember rocking her to sleep on hot summer days, and running through the sprinkler with her in big t-shirts. She was the tiny baby cousin that we all took care of.
But now all the sudden she’s a smart, funny, kind, real person, and instead of me having to entertain her, she’s at the age where we can just be friends. And we get to talk about life, and books and shows, and binge movies in Taylor’s apartment, and share memes, and bond over how much we cry because growing up can be lonely as fuck.
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Yesterday I found myself on a park bench watching the ducks and geese and chimney swifts while the sun set in the hazy sky. I was just sittin’ and thinkin’ about how crazy it is that life is just a series of getting addicted to one thing after another, and then inevitably withdrawing from each one.
Just hear me out.
Sure there are the obvious (and often harmful) addictions, but discovering a new song that you play on repeat? Creating a good habit that makes you feel good? Creating a bad habit that makes you feel good? Making fun purchases? Talking to someone you like or love? Hanging out with friends? Good foods? Good shows?? Good books???
They all give you that hit of dopamine or serotonin or oxytocin (or all of the above) that we all want need so badly.
When I was 10 or 11 years old I bought a beautiful tie-dyed sundress from a little hippie shop down the road.
I don’t remember what I spent on it, but I do remember that it was quite a bit for that time in my life — probably my whole allowance. But I loved that dress. It was bright and cheerful, soft and flowy, and the yellows in it were like sunshine.
I also vividly remember the man who sold it told me that I was lucky, because a lot of people can’t wear the color yellow.
click on the photos to enlarge them
art by jordan rae 