Sharing good news scares me.
Well, not only “good news,” but like…things that I’m excited about it.
Doesn’t it always seem like as soon as you do, the things that you were just gushing over start to fall apart…? Or is that just me??
Like recently when I sent out Christmas cards and hard-launched my love for a sweet giant rabbit, only to have to hand her over to a foster home after Christmas…?
braving the 15-degree morning to enjoy the world covered in ice
It was a tear-filled journey, and I still can’t think about her without wanting to cry, just a little bit. Hoping that she’ll find the perfect family for her (maybe she already has!), and hoping that she knows, despite the fact that this was not her forever home, that she was loved by everyone in this house.
Could I have predicted this exact end when I adopted her in the first couple days of December, when I was ready to pour all my love and attention into a beautiful fluffy bunny who had been born to be someone’s meal?
(shoutout to PARL for rescuing her and her two babies)
Probably not. I talked extensively with the animal rescue to make an educated decision on what bunny would be the best fit for me and my lifestyle, and I felt like I had made the right decision.
She brought so much happiness into my days, and she was calm and comfortable and happy with us. Her soft little face was addicting to kiss, and her goofy evening zoomies were to die for.
But when my allergy-induced migraines wouldn’t stop (having a rabbit living in my room turned out to be too much for my poor sinuses), and more and more of Amelia’s daily care fell on Mom’s shoulders, I knew that the journey wouldn’t be a sustainable one. Which was devastating for me.
I only had her for a month, but it’s insane how much a part of the family she had become so quickly. I still looked for her when I walked in the door for quite a while after she was gone, expecting to see her lounging on the rug.
the January weather has been strong here lately
Scenarios like the Amelia story played a large part in why there wasn’t a new blog post from me for two months.
Things were going on in my life that I didn’t wanna share (or jinx), and with all my energy going towards those things, it was natural to just fall silent on here.
I adopted Amelia, fell in love with her, and gave her to her next foster home (while ugly-crying in the shelter); I was going on dates with Bumble boys, and Hinge boys; I was finding some relieving (and necessary) closure to a relationship that had haunted me for two years; I dated a lovely, sweet boy who was kind to me, and I went through the highs and lows of dealing with the emotions that came from realizing that we were better off as friends.
Even though I’m a master at writing vulnerable and emotional posts (thanks, Mom), there are certain times when I feel that sharing things almost backs me into a corner. Like it will make me seem like a hypocrite, or a liar, or just a fickle little girl to write my feelings about something one day, and then have different feelings (or a different perspective) the next time I share about it.
But…isn’t that natural? Isn’t life all about change? And learning as you go? Progressing day-by-day with the new knowledge and experiences that you acquire? Having the freedom to reasonably change your mind?
And when I boil it down: do I really owe anyone an explanation for the decisions I make, and the changes that happen in my life?
I’m really just out here tryin’ my best.
There are times when I want to explain my thought process behind important matters and decisions, there are times when I want to process things alone, and there are times when I want to share my thoughts and feelings without any explanation at all.
Right now I feel like I’m a mix of all three.
So currently I’m just settling into hibernation for the winter; currently the plan is to continue focusing on my own health and growth and happiness; currently my precious time is going towards my hobbies, my work, and this blog.
And I feel good about it.
It’s clear that life can change in a second, but right now I’m finding contentment in the mundane.
Early bedtimes, and good work schedules. Satisfying projects, and delicious food. Watching good shows, and watching the sparrows eating seeds on our deck. The sparkle of ice on the trees in the morning sun, and knowing that my chickens are safe from the bitter wind in their cozy, clean barn.
I think that winter was created for all of this — for rest and reset — and I’m always grateful to be living in New England: the best place in the world to get all four dramatic seasons.
Shoutout to that one blatantly sexist boy on the dating app who got mad at me for loving snow, because apparently “winter is much more work for men” and “he would literally rather die” than deal with it, even though he continues to choose to live in Connecticut…thoughts and prayers, my brother.
Thoughts and prayers 🤍❄
I couldn’t help but share Thoraya’s newest video as today’s little end-of-post goodness. If I’m not binge-watching Mark’s interviews on his Soft White Underbelly channel, then I’m probably waiting for Thoraya to drop a new video. No matter the subject of her videos — whether it’s strangers sharing secrets, or strangers sharing how they knew it was love, or strangers sharing the most painful thing they’ve been told — her videos never fail to make my eyes well up, and this one was no different. There’s just something about humans being humans, and giving into the small moments of vulnerability and joy, that feels so special.
(and if I had been given the opportunity, I would have danced)
art by jordan rae 