reputation

I’ve been trying to write a post for days, but the backspace is the key getting the most use right now.

I have a million thoughts rattling around in my head, but once I see them in writing they just seem silly, and repetitive, and even my low-serotonin brain knows that it’s all kinda ridiculous and possibly over-dramatic.

I could harp on about how sometimes I just don’t know how to not let loneliness consume me, but then again, I have a family who loves me and who remind me to get enough sleep, and eat enough food, and cry it all out when I need to.

And even though I’m kinda tired of sleeping alone, especially after spending nights in someone else’s bed, it’s honestly been pretty cozy to turn on my colorful Christmas lights in the evening, open the window to let the cold wintery air in, and read until I drift off.

(at least I don’t snore)

I could claim that I haven’t been truly happy or content since the beginning of this shitty year, but then I remember the feeling of singing Christmas songs in the kitchen last night with Riley Mae, while Dad shimmied and snapped along, and I know that that’s not totally true.

I’ve been buying supplies for Christmas gifts and making lists and although I’m planning to keep this Christmas small, I’ve been letting the holiday creativity come back to life. It’s been nice.

I could write an essay about how mad I am that, supposedly, the only constant in life is change, and yet at the end of every year I feel like I’m in the exact same place as I was 365 days before.

I mean, it feels like that’s true, and it kinda sucks. But although I’m waiting for change in specific areas of my life (I don’t have to say it, y’all know), I’m also grateful that certain things don’t change.

Cause I’m super fucking privileged to live the life I do.

So sure, my life-long depression has been acting up again lately, and it’s probably my fault. I mean, do I continue to make the same mistake over and over again?

(not exactly, I do it a little different every time)

But the other day I went outside and stood barefoot in the soft grass that’s still green in the shade of the naked trees, and honestly, it didn’t all seem that serious anymore.

It’s fine, I’m okay.

Sometimes it just gets tiring to be a lover™ girl stuck in her reputation™ era.