happiness

This week I’ve been focusing on the simple task of being happy.

And by simple, you know I mean arduous.

Okay listen, I haven’t lost it completely…the foundation that I so carefully constructed during the last 6 months is still there…underneath some rubble. A serious lack of blue skies, a desk that is sticky from the constant humidity, and some unexpected happenings that have happened have caused a few recent earthquakes. Or maybe some natural, beneficial forest fires.

(it’s yet to be determined)

Although I’ll admit that I’m actually quite happy that the happenings have happened, the whole thing has just reminded me of how ready I am for my life to change. And it’s made me antsy. And frustrated. And excited. And mad. And depressed. It depends on the day, really. Or maybe even the minute.

Honestly, I think all it boils down to is this: I’m 25, and I’m ready to grow up and move forward. I’m ready for more. I want more. Some days I feel like I might actually go insane if something doesn’t change.

There are days where I’m at complete ease waiting for it all to come together, and other days where I want to scream bloody murder, or pulverize something with a baseball bat, or refuse to get out of bed until something goes my way. I feel like a belligerent child demanding that the Universe just give me what I want.

But you can be sure that ya girl eventually pulls herself together — my mama didn’t raise no bitch.

(hi, Mom)

the black-eyed Susans that I transplanted into the garden last year are thriiiiving, and bringing much joy

It’s really rather unfortunate that there are things that you simply cannot rush in life, but since this seems to be true (at least as far as I know), I’m currently back to the basics: working to remember where I was finding happiness and contentment before I was reminded that I have waaay too many feelings inside of me. I can assure you that I say this with an extremely large amount of self-love, but I’m pretty sure God fucked up with me.

Like, I have serious questions.

I’d like to speak to the manager.

I might’ve dropped $100 on a flower lamp last week. Was it worth the price? Perhaps not, but she cute, so it makes me happy.

Mom says that what my sisters and I are currently doing is building our “field of dreams.” And, well, if you know the famous quote from the movie, then you probably know what she means by that. She makes sure to remind me to appreciate where I am now, because soon everything will change. I don’t know when, and I don’t know how, but I’m choosing to believe her. After all, she was right the first time she said that in 2021.

That was the year of our 52 adventures, and she made sure to tell us over and over again to enjoy it thoroughly and completely, because it would probably be the last year that we all had the freedom to just hop in the car and go spend all that time out in nature together. And she was right, of course. Before that year was even over, Taylor was back to working full-time and, not long after that, she moved out of the house and into her first apartment. And although it was a crazy big change, it just felt simple and natural to adjust to it, because it was the right time for it.

two Pisces and a Leo talking shit at a family party

So aside from working (a steady flow of portrait orders keeps me busy), I’ve been focusing on doing what I want, because right now, I have the freedom to do just that. I’ve been living my little ol’ life, and I’ve been making sure to find happiness while doing it.

Last night I invited Taylor to take an evening dip at a local pond with me, and although we were slightly disappointed at the depth of the water (things are not like they were when we were children), it ended up being a perfectly refreshing night for it. I then had to take the long-way home simply so that we could blast Noah Kahan and Caamp and sing along at an obnoxious volume. I was just about to turn to Taylor and say “you never know what you’ll see when you take a detour” when an owl swooped in front of my car and landed in a big pine tree, staring down at us. I had just enough time to pull over and snap a horribly grainy photo (solely for proof) before he flew away.

I’ve also been going on frequent hikes, and spending many hours sitting on this little bridge in the woods. I like to watch all the iridescent jewelwings flitting around in the sun, trying to impress their potential mates.

Often times you can catch a glimpse of an osprey or a blue heron too, but mostly it’s the babbling water that melts away every ounce of stress.

Being outside seems to be the major theme for me right now (I simply can’t sit still inside), so I’ve been making sure to spend time out in the gardens, where the zinnias and calendulas are beginning to bloom, baby beans are starting to show, and the butternut squash are climbing up their trellises.

Weeding, trimming the wild rose bush, and tacking up the climbing plants — aside from the mosquito bites, it’s a perfect way to spend a morning, or an evening.

this year we have 6 raised beds of zinnia, and 12 smaller beds of calendula. And yes, our little hummingbird friends have already found them

My newest plans are to go see the Barbie movie at the drive-in this weekend with Taylor (thank God for sister-dates, am I right?). Before I see the movie, I have to get around to hemming a dress that’s been sitting in my closet though, because I’ll be damned if I don’t show up wearing something PINK.

I’m hoping that getting the sewing machine back out will give me the energy to start sewing previously-mentioned-Mom another dress as well. Despite our height difference of at least 6”, we apparently fit into the same dress size. And I’m pretty sure that she looks cuter in my dr ess pattern than I do…so…ya know. There’s that. She’s requested a closet-full of them. I don’t actually have the fabric for that, but we’ll see what I can manage.

bush beans and honeynut squash

And now that I’ve successfully gotten my whole family obsessed with Caamp’s music (just ask me and I can give you a list of song recommendations — music is a love language), Taylor made sure to let me know that they’re having a live-streamed concert, so that’s definitely been added to my list of things that make me happy. I shall be watching, and possibly shedding a tear or two if they play “So Long, Honey”. But don’t ask me if it’s my favorite of their songs, because how could I possibly choose??

Last but not least, it’s officially over halfway through the year, and I’m happy to announce that I’ve been super successful in sticking to my resolution to take more pictures to put in my photo albums for Christmas. I don’t know why this little project makes me so excited, but it does. I’ve been organizing what I have so far, and we still have the next 5.5 months for fun things to happen. Or, at the very least, for some interesting memories to be made.

At this point, I’d like to believe that I’m ready for anything ✌🏼❤