on march 14th at 5:45am I turned 25

Or, as I like to say: a quarter of the way to death ✌

My cousin and I said that now that we’re 25, and our frontal lobes have finally finished developing, we can now process and learn from things we couldn’t when we were young and ignorant.

I mean, it was partially a joke, but I think we’re both hoping for that lightning-bolt of change and emotional growth.

And I can’t say if it’s my frontal lobe or not, but I have felt different lately. Things that used to be hard, have been pretty easy. Simple things, like prioritizing my health, exercising (even when I don’t want to), and going to bed early. I’ve been able to set a structured work time, and have been so-far successful with keeping my work life and personal life separate, making work more enjoyable and less of my whole personality. I’m learning to enjoy my hobbies in calm and happy ways, instead of high-strung stressful ways. And although finding my person™ is still my only true desire in life, I’ve been able to calm down, focus on other things, and give the Universe time to do its thing.

i’ve also been experiencing a new appreciation for freedom

Some deeper thinking on the subject of freedom has even made me question one of the things I’ve always been the most certain of my entire life: having kids. And I guess since there’s currently no prospects or possibility of having children any time in the foreseeable future, this is the perfect time to really ponder things.

Being a mother is something I’ve always said that I wanted, but motherhood is something I take incredibly seriously. Something that, if I decide to take that path, I would dedicate 110% of myself to while my children grew up. And more and more these days, I’m beginning to wonder: do I want to hand over the next 20+ years of my life to raising kids? I have to admit, I’m not as certain anymore.

more on freedom

A little over a week ago, on Easter Sunday, a weasel got into my chicken coop while we were at my sister Taylor’s apartment for dinner. I only had three old girls left in there, and it killed my absolute best friend Ruby, leaving Mary Todd and Lizzie traumatized.

I haven’t allowed myself to dwell upon the loss much; I got Ruby when she was a day old on April 28th, 2014, and I saw her almost every day for the past nearly-nine years. That’s about 3,285 days of Ruby love, and the barn is much different without her.

To be honest, I’m kind of tired of being sucked into spirals of sadness, so I’ve been blocking the thoughts of life without Ruby in the coop until some time has passed, and I’ve adjusted to life without her. A method I also used when my beloved guinea pig Esther died last October. Everyone tells you to feel your feels, but sometimes I have to wonder if it might just be best to let some time pass, and some wounds begin to heal, before thinking about the loss or pain you’ve experienced. As my sister put it: if you have a painful cut on your hand, do you poke it and prod it constantly, causing it to split and bleed again and again? No, you leave it alone long enough to allow it to heal.

The two little beings in this world that sparked the most joy and unconditional love in me died within six months of each other. And though I still miss them every time I think about them, and mourn the fact that I’ll never again have Ruby fly up onto my arm to get treats, or sprawl on my lap in the sunshine; or have Esther race over to the side of her cage squeaking when I come into my room, or bounce around her clean cage; there’s also a sense of freedom around their passing.

From the day I was born I’ve been surrounded by animals, and it made for the most amazing childhood. My friends would always come over to my house in awe of the animals in each room of the house, and filling our yard. Dogs, cats, goats, hermit crabs, mice, rats, hamsters, ferrets, bunnies, ducks, chickens, guinea pigs, fish, a gecko…aside from a few crazy expensive animals (think: horses), as children we pretty much got whatever pets we wanted. I remember one happy Valentine’s Day my sister Riley and I went and got two tiny Roborovski hamsters – Merry and Pippin!

And although I love animals, after 25 years of waking up every day, feeding, cleaning, bathing, keeping an eye and ear out for predators…I’m looking forward to a day where I can experience freedom from it. Freedom from the constant worry and tension, freedom from the routine, freedom from the noise, freedom from the dirty cages and filthy barns.

With just two chickens left (and one 20-year-old senile family cat that drives the entire family insane every single day), I’m the closest I’ve ever been to experiencing that freedom.

so here i am, at 25

Not where I thought I’d be at 25, but I’m okay with that now. It took a while to get here though.

I’m not afraid of aging, I’m not afraid of growing old. In fact, I’m very much looking forward to the changes that come with the maturing of the soul getting older.  

My wants for this one life are pretty straightforward: peace, happiness, contentment. A love that makes the wait worth it. A quiet, bright house in the country. And a simple life.